You Know You're an English Teacher When...

So my colleague and I were exchanging text messages about something insignificant. It was early in the morning and my brain was NOT in the "text" mode. It was in the "writer" mode because before I went to sleep the night before I was writing. 

First of all, let me make it clear that I wasn't driving while texting, which makes me a safe person to be around on the road and someone you want to ride shotgun with. I asked my colleague a question and used the word "objectionable" as in "What was so objectionable?" and he, being a science teacher, slimed me about it (a la Nickelodeon).

So back to the texting and writing and brain mode thing. I rarely use a word more than 12 letters long while writing fiction. I could give a big Oxford comma about vocabulary, unless it pertains to my character. How would that be? Let's say your character is really smart, or your character is a word junky, or your character is an expert in a jargon heavy field like aeronautics or plumbing. Yes, plumbers can rattle off something and leave you thinking, what is he talking about?

My colleague texted me back and said, "u know ur an english teacher when u use the word "objectionable" in a text message."   

Even if you're not an English teacher, I thought it'd be fun to list more of these in the comments section. A lot of you are still writers and readers and word people, so I'm expecting big things.

Here's my original:

You Know You're an English Teacher When....

You tell the waiter that the menu is missing an apostrophe.

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Blast from the Past: You Can't Do That on Television - Rainbow Slime

Goodnight iPad, by Ann Droyd

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Five Things Great Teachers Do

First of all, I'm not calling myself great. If I were, I'd come right out and say, "I'm great!" But I can spot a great teacher when I see one. 

What is a great teacher? One who positively affects students.  One who teaches beyond the page. One who makes learning seem unlike traditional "learning."     

Some are motivational, others capture students with impressive knowledge and strange dance moves (I've never done that. Okay, I did it once). 

It can be effective to bring high wire acts into the classroom once in a while. The biggest challenge is doing it every day, after the too-cool-for-school-Bieber-cut in the front row has drifted off and is playing Jedi mind tricks on the girl next to him. So instead of relying on juggling with knives or swallowing swords or playing the guitar and singing a funny song that rhymes, do the simple things.  

1. Let kids like you. Make them like you. Do whatever it takes to make them like you.

Do employees want to work hard for a mean boss? A boss they despise? A boss that talks down to them and makes them feel like crawling into their top drawer with last week's tofu and cheese sandwich? You get where I'm going with this one. Take an interest in each student. Ask about their weekends, their hobbies, their after-school activities, their pets, their other classes. Make them realize there is a world outside of your classroom, and you know about it. Heck, you LIVE in it.

2. Listen. Make eye contact. 

Seems obvious, but when you have an Everest-size stack of writing assignments growing on your desk you need every spare minute to edit and grade papers. Save it for later. If a student is talking to you, even if she's telling you about her second cousin's bar mitzvah when someone threw up on the indoor tree, listen to the tale. Nod. Smile. Say things like, "Oh really, I can't believe that..." Better yet, ask questions: "Do you think the tree was angry?" You'll win fans, which helps with number one, and, more importantly, you'll earn that student's respect. 

3. Smile. Laugh. Have a sense of humor.

A little humor goes a long way. You don't have to make faces like Conan or tell stories like Dane Cook, but as Gordon Korman says, "Lighten Up!" Make class fun, make it serious. Know when to say when. Know when to say, "Is that a booger on the white board?"

4. Do your homework.

Kids can see right through an unprepared teacher trying to wind their way through Full-of-it Canyon. Know your stuff. Preview reading pages, worksheets, workbook pages. Know it all before they realize you're blowing smoke. It won't take them long to figure you out, especially when you say things like, "Interjections are shots that keep you from getting sick." 

5. Be fair.

Stay consistent with consequences and first responses. Consistency translates into fairness. One voice should count the same as another. Call on someone besides the student who knows everything and always raises his hand. Spread the wealth. You'll create a richer learning environment.